In sum, the (lack of) rest of 2021
I guess every new post can’t be about how long it’s been since the last post, but when months go by, it’s hard for me not to call that out.
Because isn’t that just the very essence of what this blog is all about? I started writing (M)othering because I needed an outlet, and while that need has not diminished, my capacity has.
So, yes, months can pass before I get the chance to solidify my reflections and share them.
In the meantime I have: settled into a new house; hosted in-laws for multiple weeks; sourced and hired new caregivers; navigated Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.; negotiated a promotion at work; published a book.
Oh, and I’ve also nurtured my toddler pretty much 24/7. (Well, 24/4 and 19/3, if you really want to break it down, since I do have child care for 5 hours 3 days a week.)
I am tired.
So very tired. So tired that coffee, as much as I enjoy and depend on it, is also sort of a joke. Like, I can’t get through the day without it, but I also can’t sleep with it, so, basically I’m just perpetually tired and awake.
I keep fantasizing about being one of those people who drinks mushroom tea and gets all my energy from adaptogens or whatever, but, even if I were willing to give up my caffeine addiction, I know that the only real solution to my exhaustion is sleep.
And someday I will get it. I know what changes I can make to allow for more rest, but for now, I accept the cycle I am in because I understand it won’t always be this way.
Still, I regret that I haven’t felt able to write to you more. I have a limited “discretionary income” when it comes to “free” time, and I’ve been “spending” it on reading fantasy novels and playing Two Dots on my phone.
I don’t know why those options feel more accessible and desirable than anything else lately, but I also don’t need to question too much. I’m not sorry I am reading books and playing games. I just wish I could ALSO write more.
In any case, we just said goodbye to some lovely houseguests—a longtime friend of my partner’s and his girlfriend, who I hadn’t met before. She was delightful to connect with, and she made the mistake of asking me a few questions about motherhood, which meant I spent the next 90 minutes talking her ears off.
“What is the biggest surprise about becoming a mother?” she wanted to know.
“Two things,” I told her.
“First, as much as I hoped to prove otherwise, I was devastated to confirm that we live in a patriarchal, capitalist society that does not value women and children.”
I went on to explain how, despite my amazing spouse’s best efforts, there was just a laughably/painfully disproportionate division of labor and responsibility in the early years of parenting. Being a mother of young children is just plain hard. A lot harder than I thought it would be—harder than it has to be.
“But the second big surprise about mothering,” I continued, “is that it is all somehow, inexplicably, completely worth it.”
Love > fear,
(M)om
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