I just came across an article that pretty perfectly encapsulates my recent parenting struggle, particularly summed up in the penultimate paragraph:
“It’s hard, thankless work to parent with proper love and limits. It’s equally hard to think you’re doing right by your kid only to get slapped in the face on a playdate.”
For the last many months I have earnestly attempted to be a noncoercive parent, doing my best to abide by the guidance and philosophy offered by Rythea Lee and Vivek Patel, among others.
But, as much as a conscious, collaborative approach appeals to my values and intentions, I’ve struggled to concretely apply the principles in daily life with a three-year-old.
And, nearly a year in, I’m beginning to realize why: I do believe my child deserves unconditional kindness and respect (the foundation of gentle/conscious/intentional parenting approaches). But I do not believe my child is my equal.
There! I said it! I confess! I think I am more qualified than my kid to be the leader of our household.
I am all for collaboration and cocreation, but I’ve worked for and with enough “flat” startups to know that hierarchy is a helpful necessity. Structure creates support and accountability. Someone needs to be in charge, and everyone deserves to clearly understand their roles and responsibilities.
The reality is, when I over index on treating my kid like an equal—e.g., asking his input on every decision, attempting to honor his every request—we do not end up having a reciprocal relationship. We end up with him becoming my boss.
However, when I consciously recognize our inherent power dynamic, I can lovingly use—not abuse—my authority. As the revered Dr. Becky says, two things can be true: I can highly value my kid’s desires, feelings, and opinions, AND I can make and uphold many decisions.
I gave birth to my first child at the onset of a global pandemic, which is apparently “when the gentle-parenting wave really began to roll.” And when I had a nonverbal infant, the philosophy really made sense. Three years later, however, I identify with this excerpt:
“But as I watch gentle-parenting advocates post videos on Instagram and try to remember Dr. Becky’s wise scripts when my 5-year-old is thrashing naked on the floor instead of walking out the door to school, I wonder, Am I being indulgent? Am I focusing too much on my kids’ feelings at the expense of my own? Or the rest of the family? And most importantly: As I decide what to do, am I thinking about an Instagram graphic I read or listening to my gut? Social media has given parents an alternative to their instincts.”
Parenting has provoked my return to therapy, and I am grateful. Because therapy—in addition to helping me identify and release trauma and baggage—has helped reconnect me with my instincts. Yes, I wish I had been parented differently, and no, I don’t have a ton of firsthand experiences I want to emulate. But I am truly doing the inner work, which means I can truly access and trust my inner knowing.
And, for example, my inner knowing isn’t okay with letting my child hit.
All of which to say, I can’t currently put a label on how I parent—I’d no longer say that “gentle” or “noncoercive” effectively describes my intention. But I do know what I am doing: I am striving to be a calm, kind, and confident leader to inherently and unconditionally lovable humans.
Love,
(M)om
Sources/references: https://www.thecut.com/article/gentle-parenting-and-the-accidentally-permissive-parent.html
https://www.instagram.com/rythealee
https://www.instagram.com/meaningfulideas
https://www.instagram.com/drbeckyatgoodinside